Our two-factor authentication system is expanding because text messages and e-mailed codes are becoming less secure. Also, we’re committed to making sure your log-in process is more of a hassle than it needs to be. We are certain that these new ways of confirming your identity will deny unauthorized users access to your account. And, if you can’t fulfill these authentication requirements, your account will be locked. However, the glass is half full, because if you’re locked out of your account the hackers are, too. Here are the other ways you’ll soon be able to verify your identity:
Knock on the Door
Nothing proves that it’s you like seeing you. We will send a representative to your home and he or she will knock twice. Once you open the door, you will have to show your driver’s license and the electronic device you used to log in. If you don’t answer within thirty seconds, we will have to send another representative to your home to knock (twice) on your door for verification. That could take anywhere from ten minutes to four hours, depending on traffic.
DNA Test
Our top priority is making sure nobody gets into your account. Hence, we will locate your biological grandparents, test them, and then compare their DNA with yours. If everything checks out once we get the results, in two to four weeks, we will allow you to safely log in to your account.
Name That Song
We’re aware that you love music trivia. To protect your account, we’ll e-mail you obscure song lyrics. You will have forty seconds to type the correct title, artist, and name of the album that the song is from.
Blimp
Your privacy is important to us. That’s why we’re flying a company blimp over your current location. The blimp will be trailing a banner, which will be printed with a ten-digit code. It’s a phone number. Type that number into your phone and call it. A customer-service representative will answer and ask you to verify the color of the blimp. Please be specific; “red” won’t be enough. We’re looking for an answer like “pomegranate” or “crimson.”
Presidential Physical Fitness Test
The best way to validate your account is by testing your physical vitality. We have obtained your Presidential Physical Fitness Test results from your middle-school gym teacher, Mr. Conley. You’ll report to your middle-school gym and perform the same exercises. In order for us to confirm your identity, your time for the mile must be comparable to the lacklustre mile you completed as a teen-ager.
Card Trick
We have a roster of certified magicians who are equipped to prove your identity. One will appear at your home with a deck of cards. The magician will ask you to pick a card, then he will shuffle the deck, select a card, and ask you if that’s your card. If it is your card, you will be granted access to your account.
A “Succession” Character Quiz
Your account has never been safer since we added our “Succession” character quiz feature. You take the online quiz, and we’ll tell you which “Succession” character you are. We will grant you access to your account only if you end up being one of the characters we like, so choose your answers wisely.
Lie-Detector Test
We like honesty, and hackers are liars. To prove that you’re not a hacker/liar, we will ask you to submit to a polygraph. Don’t be nervous, just answer the questions truthfully so we can prove that you are in fact the owner of this Dunkin’ Rewards account. ♦
